Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Is this inspiration?

A friend recently found a ton of inspiration to start painting again. I'm riddled with jealousy and anxiety. Usually in this vein, my jealousy turns to resentment, and I find myself actually getting ANGRY at people I know, and don't know, who find the time, motivation and commitment to create their art. I have a whole room in my house devoted to painting, arts, textiles, papers, gift wrap, everything that I love. But I avoid the room, unless it's to drop something off that i'll 'get to later.' I don't know what this is, but the few times i've kept journals over the last 15-odd years (that is to say, the 15 spirals I have, with three pages written on and then abandoned), I write about the same thing incessantly. That I need to get up and get to work.

What IS that?

The only pure joy i've ever felt was in art school, where I'd get up every day and immediately smile and think "I get to paint today." So why do I turn my back on it? and find other things that are more pressing to do?

I hate hate hate being a whiner about it. I just really want to get to the root of it. But I'm afraid that the root of it may actually be just getting to work. And I don't know how to start. Except I do, and that is just to start. Nothing else pushes me so close to crying as this subject. Because I know I need to clean up and organize the room before I can start, as if I have OCD. But I don't, it's just another stall tactic. So I stall, and grapple, and then something actually does come up that I have to take care of, and the anxiety goes away for a while. But then it comes back, when I see The Artist's Way sitting on my nightstand. Or the door to my studio is open, and I can see the rainbow of embroidery floss. And I'm haunted and taunted. About all the things I'm not doing.

I must get something out of this struggle. I don't know what it is, but I must. If I didn't, why would I let it continue?

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